It seems I can't help but jump on the bandwagon, but in response to a short but hilarious outbreak of Top 10 videos done by Anthony, Malorian, and a few other youtube fantasy players, I too have decided to do a Top 10, but instead of Skaven, Orcs/Goblins, or Ogres, I will be doing High Elves. As an avid Lizardmen player, I have come to hate and despise High Elves and everything having to do with them. What do I hate about the armies of Ulthuan? Well, sit tight and and find out why every fiber in my body makes me want to kill a puppy when I see them across the table form me.
#10: Magic
This one may surprise a few people, but yeah, I hate High Elf magic. Not the Lore of High Magic either, I love running a Level 4 Slann on High Magic, but the fact that they have access to all 8 standard lores in the BRB is what really grinds my gears. Now from a fluff perspective, I understand that High Elves are pretty much the masters of all magic (except for Slann, who eat High Elf sorcerers for breakfast), but there are some lores that they have access to that make no sense to me. Lore of Fire, Lore of Heavens, Lore of Life, Lore of Light, that seems to fit in with the whole High Elf theme. Lore of Shadow and Death, those are a little harder to justify, but given how powerful they are I understand the necessity that High Elves have for these lores. Lore of Metal and Beasts. Yeah, how exactly does that make any fucking sense for High Elves to be able to use? High Elves have worse armor that humans do and given their level of technological advancement, I would assume their knowledge of metallurgy is piss poor. As for Lore of Beasts, High Elves live in cities, not forests like Wood Elves. For an army that doesn't really have a lot of monsters (outside mounts and the Phoenix(s)) and live in an urban environment, it makes no sense for them to be able to use Beast Magic. Being able to cast Wyssan's on Phoenix Guard or White Lions is just grating as hell. Not the worst thing in this fucking army, but my hate levels will consistently rise from here on.
#9: Sisters of Avelorn
Oh yes, these bitches are definitely on my hit list. I try not to directly reveal stats for any GW products, but this can't be ignored. Sisters of Avelorn have a 30" range with a Ballistic Skill of 5! What the fuck aren't these bitches going to hit?! At BS5, they could move and be at long range and still have a 50/50 shot at hitting what they shoot at! To put that in perspective, my Chameleon Skinks, who are master hunters and can put darts into the chinks of Chaos Armor in the dark heavily shrouded jungle, are BS4. And they're always taking a -1 due to multi-shot blowpipes with a 12" range. Now, Chameleon Skinks can scout, skirmish, and have poison, which Sisters of Avelorn do not, but that doesn't matter when these bitches can kill off any chaff or fast cav I have to take out the Repeater Bolt Throwers any competitive High Elf army will have two of. Just, just hate them, hate them so much. Only at #9 and already I'm angry enough to want to drink a pack of PBR to calm myself down! They also have this Flaming attacks thing against evil armies, but it never comes into play on my part, so I don't really care about that in particular. The only reason you never see too many of these bitches is because they come out of the Rare section, meaning they're competing with other really good stuff that tends to be seen a lot more (like Frost Phoenixes). I can't get in range of these whores, and getting into close combat with them is kind of difficult with 50 goddamn High Elf Spearmen in your way!
#8: Silverhelms
Oh yes, another unit that just grinds my gears whenever I see them on the field. I know a lot of people are shocked when I tell them I hate Silverhelms more than Dragon Princes, but you really shouldn't be. Dragon Princes are elite cavalry, but they come from the Special section of the book, where elite cavalry units belong. Silverhelms, who have an almost identical stat line, come from the Core section, and take no movement modifiers from barding. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was playing Bretonnians. With lances, this unit is S5 on the charge. That's the same as my Saurus Cav with spears. Seriously, how do you justify this unit? Please High Elf players, answer me! Because whenever I see my Cold One Riders (who reside in the Special sections) get massacred when going into combat with Silverhelms, I die a little inside, I really do. Because a unit that just cost 370 points (that's with spears and full command) got destroyed by a unit that came out of a section that HAD to have the points spent from it. I can't even wrap my head around that. Don't even get me started on how badly my Knights of the Realm are outclassed by these piss ants! I'm just going to keep going, because at this point my rage meter is already fucking broken because of these wimpy-ass Elves that always seem to kick the shit out of me because they're so fucking broken anyway.
#7: Lothern Sea Guard:
Oh yes, these guys are on here. I know Anthony from the Sustainable Center talked a little about them in his review on the High Elf book (great review, check it out on youtube), but what he didn't talk about was how fucking broken these guys are. They are a core infantry unit that is a bowman and a spearman unit combined that costs only slightly more than High Elf Archers and Spearmen as a whole, and allow them to save drops and put you at a fucking conundrum. DO NOT GO AFTER THESE GUYS IF THEY ARE IN A HORDE! For the love of God, do not. They will just butcher anything that is directly across from them. Why do you ask? because these guys are the perfect tar-pit/bunker you could put together. Anything within their range and line of sight (that isn't cav or monster cav) will probably have two whole turns of being shot at and then take losses from them standing-and-shooting. God help you if you fail the charge, cause then they get another whole turn of shooting and another stand-and-shoot. Once you make it into this unit, you will then proceed to have every single unit (cause anybody with half a mind will take fifty of these to be his/her anvil unit and core requirement, if the points allow it) in a fifty man formation hitting you with ASF and if you're really lucky, re-rolls because they have higher Initiative. S3 doesn't fucking matter when you're unit has had three to four round of shooting put into it and then another fifty attacks at best. If, for some reason, you manage to beat these guys in combat, there is no way they are going anywhere, because they will inevitably be steadfast after all that shooting into your own ranks. If there are any Lords or Heroes in that unit, just give up, You will never break fifty LD 10 Lothern Sea Guard in horde formation. Unless you really love Doom and Darkness and your opponent roles like complete and utter shit. The scary thing, these bitches come out of Core, so this nightmare unit is REQUIRED. High Elf Core is just so fucking ridiculous.
#6: Martial Prowess
I understand this one of the rules that has been with the High Elves for a long time, and so I can't hate on it as hard as anything above it on this list, but this rule still pisses me off like nothing else. Why? Because when you break this rule down to it's logical basis, then it will really tick you off when you realize how many units have this rule that shouldn't. Martial Prowess is the result of Elven physiology and centuries of training and battlefield experience that allows a regiment to maximize it's damage output. Given these conditions, how do standard core units, like Spearmen and Archers, who are basically just militia, have this rule? Now, elite units like Phoenix Guard and White Lions, I can understand the rule applying to them because they cost a shit-load of points to field and are the creme de la creme of the High Elf army. Now, many people will counter this argument by pointing out that Saurus Warriors, who are also core, benefit from the Predatory Fighter special rule, despite being very cheap as well. Yes, but Saurus are the ONLY rank and file infantry worth a shit in the whole book and are also designed for war and killing. Some have even fought in times before Elves and Humans walked the earth. Spearmen and Archers? They're the National Guard for Christ sake! Why do they benefit from a a rule that should only apply to Navy SEALS?! I know this a little nit-picky, but I really don't care, it just makes me angry, and that's why it's on this list. Because it pisses me the fuck off, that's why!
#5: Loremasters
This is an example of a unit or model that should be taken all the time and never is for reasons I can't seem to grasp. This is basically a Level 2 who doesn't select a lore like a normal caster. Instead, he has all Signature Spells from all 8 standard lores of magic. That is fucking insane. Let me explain why that is exactly. See, there are pretty much no bad Signature Spells in the 8 lores. Fireball, Wyssan's Wildform, Searing Doom, Iceshard Blizzard, Shem's Burning Gaze, Earthblood, Melkoth's Mystifying Miasma, and Spirit Leech. All with the power of a Level 2 caster behind it. So you have a Level 2 who can use all the kinds of spells and pretty much do whatever the hell you need him to do. Where do I begin to say how much this pisses me off? My Slann can do that, and admittedly is automatically a Level 4, but for a price of 300 points base cost plus the points it takes to upgrade the Slann to be able to do that. The Loremaster is so fewer points than my Slann and has only a little less power in the realm of magical output. How does that even work? I pay almost twice the cost of this little bastard (after magical items and disciplines are totaled up) for the same thing that he does. How does a demi-god, who literally IS magic, have the same power as a piddly little elf scholar who can't even make up his mind on what magical lore he wants to specialize in and kind of knows a little bit of sword-play?! Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ there is nothing more that pisses me off than seeing this guy across the table from me. Except anything that places in the 4th, 3rd, 2nd, and 1st places on this list. I guess I'm just jealous that something can do the same job as my Slann for cheaper. Oh, and to add insult to injury, this motherfucker can kick my Bretonnian Lord's ass six day a week and twice on Sunday.
#4: Repeater Bolt Throwers
Oh yes, these little bastards are definitely on here. So as if all the Bowman, Sisters of Avelorn, and various other bow shots weren't enough, High Elves now have the ability to castle with war machines. I don't necessarily think they're overpowered, but it's what they do for High Elves that really makes me angry. You basically use them to anchor your flanks. From there, they will then proceed to kill all of your chaff, pick off lone characters, and continue to harass you units from far away. If, by so miracle of God you can use scouts or your own artillery to silence these annoying fucks, then the High Elf player has still won, because he's kept your attention on something that at the end of the day matters absolutely nothing to him. The only redeeming quality of this motherfucker is that it comes out of the Rare section, meaning you're opponent can't take too many of these and multiple Frostheart Phoenixes in the same list. Two of these on the board, a horde of White Lions, and a horde of Seaguard, and I might as well call it quits, cause there's no fucking point in dealing with this army. Fucking High Elves. I fucking hate them with so goddamn much! They're so goddamned good and my Bretonnians are so goddamned bad...
#3: Frostheart Phoenixes
Oh yes, another thing that makes one of my armies seem like complete and total ass compared to the perfect Elves of Ulthuan. See, it's not enough that the Elves have to use Strength and Toughness 3 and destroy my Saurus who have Wyssan's Wildform on them by the way. But they also have to have monster that's more survivable than anything else in the Lizardmen book. It also deals more damage than anything else in the Lizardmen books, debuffs anything that goes into close combat with it. Yeah, my Stegadon doesn't give enemy in base contact with it Always Strikes Last and it certainly doesn't give it -1S. It also doesn't make itself immune to cannons. Fuck this thing, fuck it in it's frosty asshole with a rusty halberd. How does a monster, that's near the end of it's life cycle crank out more damage than an immortal dinosaur who's tusks can fell anything in a jungle filled with dinosaurs who can swallow entire cities and who's plates have literally ossified into a material stronger than steel?! Anyone who's ever played a competitive High Elf list knows the butt-raping potential of the Frostheart Phoenix.
#2: Banner of the World Dragon
Oh yes, lie to me and say you didn't see this coming! Much like Frostheart Phoenixes if you've ever played a competitve High Elf list then you know what this is. You've inevitably seen it in either a horde of White Lions or a horde of Phoenix Guard. What it does is that it gives the unit and any characters in it a 2+ Ward Save against Magical Attacks. Meaning this unit will just laugh at you if you try to whittle it down. This makes your stuff pretty much immune to miscasting results. White Lions, this banner, and a level 4 will ROFL-stomp your army. It also makes their dragons Stubborn, so if you're trying to just beat a Dragon and Prince combo with static combat resolution you're now officially fucked. Remember how Dweller's Below used to be the only thing that could seriously cripple a horde of White Lions? I miss those days, I miss them a lot. A horde with this banner will take anything you throw at it and just keep laughing as you put everything you have into it. Makes the ultimate douche-bag High Elf Death Star. And the cu-da-gras is coming right up.
#1: Special Characters
In a tournament scenario, I frown very heavily upon the use of special characters unless the army is really fluffy or it's a friendly game/local tournament. In fact, most special characters, with the exception of most High Elf characters, Throgg, and some of the Vampire counts characters, most special characters are overpriced for what they do. For example, I've seen Empire "Crusading" lists with Luther Huss or Lizardmen "Anti-Skaven" Skink lists with Tehenuaian and/or Tettoeko. Those are acceptable armies because the special characters are compensating for the very low damage output that these armies can put out. However, there are some characters that are so insanely over-powered or have such ridculously powerful special rules that tournaments will sometimes make a blanket ban of special characters. Like Throgg, who makes Chaos Trolls a Core option in the Warriors of Chaos book, or Mannfred von Carstein from the Vampire Counts, who just removes ten models a turn and gives the player an automatic twelve-dice magic phase. However, even the terror that is Mannfred or a Throgg list pales in comparison to the two characters in the High Elf list that create the ultimate death star. Allarielle and Teclis. These two are terrifying, plain and simple. If you see Allarielle in a horde, it's game over. If Teclis is in the unit with the Banner of the World Dragon, it's game over. Seriously, Nagash has got nothing on these two. In terms of points and what they do, Teclis is much better, and Allarielle makes the unbeatable Death Star. Don't believe me? The Alarielle Death Star won the US masters for Warhammer Fasntasy last year. Yes, it is that bad.
So that's it guys, the 10 Things I Hate About High Elves and god I'm glad that it's over! Maybe now I can put aside my issues, and probably get on with my life. Or I'll just keep hating on them! Yup, gonna be going with that one! Until next time, see y'all later!
